I have been thinking about my last week or so of existence. Last week in particular wasn't the greatest week. That week as been termed the "Great Slave Rebellion" around these quarters, and let me give some insight now. As those who know me, I have been on a new path to be more positive and productive which had been working with the occasional backtrack, but this attempt felt different, like things were actually pressing forward for the better. Then last Monday happened. There had been a slow buildup to this point,
For an introvert, being asked to be on conference calls 6.5 hours/day and having to deal with my colleagues personalities and tics can be draining. Entering month 3 of this is now presenting challenges that I have previously been able to ignore and work through with my outside activities. but things eventually started to unravel starting with some rescheduled then cancelled appointments with my coaches(life and personal trainer) which at any other time wouldn't have been much of a deal, but now was a crisis. At the time I guess I was needing their company and knowledge, an outlet and that wasn't there. Which fed into my ability to feel abandoned quickly.
Which is where the slave rebellion comes in. Suddenly without much other prompting I was back to my old eating habits with a force. I completely forgotten about my morning, mid-day, and evening routines like I have never even started them. The rebellion had started. Damn you and your rules, and studies, and test results, and conscious efforts, and healthy reinforcement I suddenly thought with disdain. You can't abandon me if I abandon you first. Sounds like a raving lunatic doesn't it? At least Spartacus, Nat Turner, or Toussaint LOverture had some grand cause standing behind then. Me? More or less to stuff my face, and marinate in my slovenliness.
I am starting to gather there is within me an alter-ego that resists authority, authoritarianism, anything which might be offer instruction, to be "right" and "correct" which leads to decisions and outcomes that at best can be confusing to me, at worst can be life effecting. Just outright knuckleheadism. I am a smart, intelligent person, but through the years, some courses of action I have found baffling about myself and my continued resistance to certain task like eating healthy, working out, managing my finances, finishing school, homebuying, investing, grooming, etc. It feels weird typing it but I feel good finally acknowledging it and not hiding from it no longer. Hopefully it sheds some light on to help me in the future. I think I am on the right path.
Something that has been different has been acknowledging it early, and believe it or not, not feel bad about myself. Something the past year has shown me is that this infliction is prevalent in most of us if not all, just in varying forms. But whether you succumb to it, is another story. My story is something else, and this episode only forms a small part of it, and I intend for it to be an even smaller one. So that give me hope and motivation to get back on the good side, as the bad side of me is calling me a sellout, no good sucker. That's how it works.